In our first lecture (which I should find another word to describe or title) we were asked to write in our notebooks, for a few minutes, about our reason for studying as an adult. The moment before putting pen to paper to begin the short task I wondered about this term ‘adult’, and how even at age 31, I still felt like a kid. Just a kid with a little more purpose and direction, or at least, I hoped.
Once the moment passed, I penned a note directed to “a lecturer” as the task was guided and in it I said:
“My reason for studying as an adult is that in 2012, during a time of self-reflection, I surmised that my gut was right about what I thought I wanted to do with my life. In my work and in play, I had found that the common theme in my language and the way I viewed life and most topics and how I would express myself was driven by the need to know people. To try and figure out how people felt, how people thought and what made them tick; always looking at why people behave in certain way and what informs their being. I also found that I wanted to understand how to make people heal and this seemed always present in the way I engaged. Further, in my work especially, I wanted to move people, make people acknowledge and recognise themselves and think alternatively – not differently in the sense that the way they think or are is wrong – as I truly believe that there are so many of us because there are so many ways to view the same thing.“
This is what ten minutes of inking a blank page and neighbouring words to express my thoughts produced. I enjoyed the exercise and I felt excited about actually saying what I was feeling about myself and why I was studying, out loud; albeit to a piece of paper in a cute notebook no one would ever see.
The second and third parts of the exercise were to answer the same thing but to the self, as the second part, and to someone I love, as the final. These musings were shorter and slightly different.
To myself I said: “ You are opening up your mind to what your instinct has known, you have taken a leap of faith, and hard work, because you know that this is the beginning of a path that will be truly living your destiny.
You have had a good decade of learning yourself, blindly yet guided by your gut, now it is time to solidify that with academic qualification in the field you are drawn to. It is scary, but everything falls into place when you take that step towards destiny. “
I analysed that to myself I spoke quite differently and less factually, but also still quite emotively and abstract.
To someone I love I started by saying: “I am taking the first steps towards actively living my destiny, learning discipline and focus, being the best version of myself and giving myself the chance to be humbled by the phrase, I don’t know. In actively engaging with what I am drawn to I’m at the very least meeting my destiny along the way. “
Time ran out and the class continued.
The exercise was to find out for ourselves to whom we felt most comfortable speaking or writing to and that that could be a guide when tackling tasks. I have not yet figured out which audience gets the most out of me yet, I think it will always depend on the topic.
Essentially, my answer is that after 4 years of talking about being a healer. I’m finally beginning to pave the path that will lead me there. I’m terrified and excited. Wish me luck in holding a PHD in Psychology by age 40 and maybe then, feeling like an adult.